So the numbness has crept in. I lie awake in my bed wondering whether this is it. I wake, I shower, I drive, I sit, I drive, I play, I eat, I sleep. Now before you get crazy and send me messages on facebook quoting the Psalms like an incantation and telling me that God is in control, keep in mind that I know that already, just stay with me.
I feel as if there is something just around the corner. Something big is about to explode and change the way I see things. That seems odd considering the past few months that our family has been through. I wonder if that was a physical foreshadowing of a spiritual renewal. I wonder if God has planned something so big in my life that an aneurysm seems tame compared to it. Most of the intensity of the situation has died down. Laurie is doing well, she is still missing part of her skull, but all in all things are going well. Our outlook has changed greatly as we see and live new definitions of the words need and desire. I see the need for quality over quantity. I see the need for living our lives in a way that is constant with our beliefs. This seems rather obvious but it has hit me in areas of life that aren’t preached about in the circles I run in.
Should our view of Scripture affect our clothes, our food, our ‘stuff’? I say yes. I say that God does indeed care about everything we do. Where am I going with this? I honestly don’t know…after lying in bed for an hour wondering why I can’t sleep, I came down to write. This is what came out. Not sure what to make of it but I know that I have been praying that God would grant me wisdom as I continue to try to honor Him with every penny I spend and with every word I speak and with every breath I take…and every move I make…and every claim I sta…sorry.
Something big is going to happen. I hope there’s coffee.
There are many things that I would like to see happen in my life. Some are quite attainable with hard work (6-pack abs), while others seem a little out of reach (2010 VW Scirocco). Still I tend to think that with dedication and clear goals, I can figure out how things should work. When I come upon decisions to make, I get out the ole’ paper and pen in order to start my pro/con list. Seems pretty basic to do so, however I wonder if we use it in too many situations. I know that as for me and my house…we use it too much. Let me explain.
It is one thing to go over the finer points of a decision when you have the major decision-making ability in that situation: buying a car, renting/buying a house, taking a job…pretty straight forward stuff. What if you aren’t in the driver’s seat however? Without getting into a lot of details, it seems as though some things are happening in Laurie and my life that are changing the way we think about our time here on earth. Obviously the biggest challenge to our comfort was Laurie’s aneurysm. This was never placed on a pro/con list. I am pretty certain that the cons would have outweighed the pros and we would have taken door #2. Isn’t it funny how we try to make our pro/con list for things that we have no control over.
James 4:13-17 says: Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”-yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this and that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.
I had a long conversation with God the other day about everything I thought would give Him glory. I was giving Him my pro/con list as if I was unsure if He had forgotten anything. Really? I am trying to convince God that such-and-such would be good for everyone including Him? How often do you do that same thing? How often do you lay out a good argument for something to happen when it isn’t even close to being in your hands? I know that there is a responsibility to be prudent when we do have a say…but ultimatey it is all the same. We go to God not with a pre-planned offering of what are lives could be; we go to Him with an offering of what our lives are and then He does with it what He may.
Lord, create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit in me. I look forward to what God has in store for us in the coming years. Everything has been taken care of up until this point…why would it change now?